Toxic Positivity - when positive intention isn’t helpful
Ok, you might be thinking, wait – I thought being positive is a good thing? And that would be correct, when we are honouring our emotions, experiences and trying to reframe our struggles and tough thoughts, then assessing alternative truths, facts and perspectives from a positive side can be very helpful. However, when we devalue our experience or feelings by using positive statements, this is what we would consider toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is defined as the “overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”
Here are some common sayings that can be meant with the best of intentions but are great examples of toxic positivity:
“It is what it is.”
“It could always be worse.”
“If I can do it so can you.”
“Don’t think about it, stay positive.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Unfortunately, the more we engage in toxic positivity, even with the best of intentions, we push others away as it is hard to be open with someone when we feel that they don’t hear us. These types of statements can also come across as judgemental of someone else’s ability to handle their difficulties, which isolates them further.
How can we be positive in a better way?
Thinking of supportive, positive ways of communicating should include validating the person’s experience, this helps the person feel seen and that their feelings are important. Next, you can let them know some of the ways that you are there for them or other resources can support them through their tough time.
If you are talking to yourself or someone else, some of the better ways of communicating positivity might include:
“This is really hard, and it’s okay to feel that this is difficult.”
“Everyone has different abilities, stories and struggles and that is part of what makes us unique.”
“Sometimes bad things happen, what supports do you have access to?”
“Failure can be a part of learning, growth and success.”
There are so many different ways to let people know we care, while trying to help them see a different perspective - the key take away is to make sure that we honour their situation, experience and feelings.
References
Gross, J.J., & Levenson, R.W. (1997) Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 107(1), 95-103.