Bedtime - Love or Loath?
Bedtime. So many things to say. Sometimes I love it, other times, it’s hard … like really hard! Like most parents out there, I love my daughter! I love her every second of everyday; this never changes. But on those nights, when I’ve worked a long day, am stressed out and didn’t sleep well the night before, bedtime becomes more challenging, and while that love I have for my sweet darling girl is still there, I can become annoyed and frustrated and not too happy
Most parents I’ve worked with have experienced these feelings at some point … and hopefully those parents reading know what I’m talking about.
Let me breakdown our bedtime routine a little. For the nights that we don’t have dance/swimming lessons/pre-arranged plans it goes something like this:
Bath or shower (I let her pick – it’s usually a bath) around 7pm
In bed by 7:30pm at the latest
Read book(s) (again, her pick) for 15-20 minutes
Goal: have her asleep by 8pm (doesn’t always happen)
My daughter is a lover of cuddles at bedtime … and talking …. lots and lots of talking. Oh, and feelings! Lots of feelings come out at bedtime. And lets not forget the questions. Oh, the questions!
After I put down the book tonight, I say something along the lines of, “Ok, Makayla, it’s pretty late so let’s cuddle and go right to sleep. I love you.” (bedtime was later than normal as Tuesday night is dance class). Her reply, “Ok, mommy. I love you too” (music to my ears [my thoughts: what a sweet, amazing, understanding child I have, she’s the best!]). No joke, less than 10 seconds later the questions start, “did you know __________?” (fill in the blank – there were a lot of these questions tonight) “Can I get a pet?” (daily question these days) “Guess what happened at school?” And then the feelings come out: “No one at school likes me” “I’m not tired” “I miss my papa” (papa = dad (she’s French)), crying, and so on and so on … and so on … and so on … I think you get the picture.
So, here I am, exhausted. I actually almost feel asleep at dance class earlier, so I’m just going on fumes by this point. Now, I have a couple different options in my response to her questions/statements/feelings:
1) I can tell her to stop talking, tell her to calm down, tell her to be quiet, tell her not to worry, etc.
OR
2) I can take a few minutes and listen to the feelings that she’s trying to share with me.
My parenting history shows that I’ve done both (and likely will continue to do both from time to time).
Let’s look at these two options for a minute:
The first option = power struggles (arguing, yelling, more crying, more frustration for both of us and ultimately bad moods) -> becomes VERY time-consuming
The second option = validation (my daughter realizes that she has a safe person that she can express her feelings to, she understands that I accept her feelings and that I can hear what she’s saying to me) -> takes LESS time-consuming
So, what’s my point?
Every parents struggles with bedtime at one point or another … EVERY PARENT! But, if you take the time to connect with your child(ren), validate FEELINGS, bedtime will be little less time-consuming and a little less stressful for you.
Side note: I started with the first option tonight … my bad … lack of energy … my exhaustion … NOT HER FAULT! She’s a child. Pardon my language, but that’s my shit to sort out. She feels big feelings in a completely different way then I do (all children do). So, I apologized for getting frustrated, gave her an extra squeeze, said my “I love yous” a few times, listened and validated her feelings.
Validating response examples that I’ve used (and continue to use):
My daughter’s statement: “I miss my papa”
My response: Pull her close for a nice big hug, take a deep breath. Say: “It’s hard when you love someone so much and they can’t be close to you when you want them.” “Are you feeling sad that you miss him and that he’s not here?” (Guessing) (For us, we can’t change this right now as her dad lives in Ottawa, so I give her extra cuddles, kisses and hugs).
In this case, I’ve followed up by saying something like, “Thanks for telling me sweetheart. Let’s call papa in the morning before school.” (Problem solving, again, done after feelings have been validated and she’s calmed down) (more hugs, cuddles and kisses).
My daughter’s statement: “No one at school like me”
My response: Pull her close for a nice big hug, take a deep breath. Say: “That sounds like it would be really hard” (conversation might flow very nicely from here regarding what’s going on. Continue to validate the feeling.)
Questions you might ask: “How do you feel about that?” “I wonder if you feel sad and lonely?” (you might have to guess if they don’t share) (hugs, cuddles, kisses) “I’m sorry this is happening” “What do you think we should do?” (moving into “problem solving mode” – always do after you’ve validated and sat with the feelings)
Bedtime can be challenging. Hell, you might even loath it sometimes, but you can get through it and learn to love it. Listen. Validate. Connect … seems simple enough, eh?!?!?
Thanks for reading,
Nichole
If this peeked your interest, check out: The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. There’s even a workbook that goes with it. This is my ALL TIME favourite book and one I recommend ALL parents to read.
