Parenting is Hard!
Hi everyone,
I’ve been a bit lazy on the blogging over here. Sorry.
I had someone tell me the other day that they enjoy reading blog posts and they thought it would be helpful to read more about how to support their children who are struggling with their mental health AND to help them, as a parent, manage all their feelings regarding that, because PARENTING IS HARD AF!!!
I say this having worked with parents who are having a hard time AND in relation to my own personal experience. Kids are not easy creatures — they’re needy, emotional, can have some pretty hard-to-manage behaviours, they might throw things, they might yell at you and they might know just what to say to get you ramped up (at least mine does … tell me I’m not alone here?!?!) — yet, we love them anyway and we love them hard!
When I was a kid, never, in my wildest dreams would I have imagined how challenging this job would be. My patience is tested daily … sometimes my patience is still intact at the end of the day, other days, not so much. Many of the parents I work with feel the same way. We have AWESOME days as parents, days when were like “HELL YA! I rocked that moment. I’m a kick ass parent” and then we have days that aren’t full of awesomeness, but full of guilt. Guilt that we lost our cool, guilt that we didn’t spend enough time cleaning up, guilt that we forgot to practice spelling words or reading or math (the list goes on), guilt that we did get outside enough, guilt that we didn’t have a “nice enough” dinner, guilt that we allowed too much screen time, guilt that we didn’t spend enough time with our kids and guilt that we weren’t nice enough, that we weren’t good enough parents. Trust me. Been there, done that. Guilt can WEIGH US DOWN!
Well, I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! You are a GOOD ENOUGH parent! You are a GOOD ENOUGH partner! YOU ARE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON!
The notion of “perfect parenting” is a myth!
WHY??? Because we’re HUMAN just as much as our children are. We mess up. We make mistakes. We say things we didn’t/don’t mean. We do things we didn’t/don’t mean. And this is where the idea of “good enough” parenting comes into play. Pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, saw perfect parenting as not only unattainable, but undesirable. Yes, infants need immediate attention and all of their needs met (pick up that crying new born and cuddle them fiercely) and as they grow and get older, they need parents who support their independence. Our efforts to meet every single want and desire of our children can hurt them in the end, because they fail to understand that real life is full of disappointments and struggles. Learning at an early age to press on through adversity builds strengths. Now, this doesn’t mean you leave your JK child all alone on the side of the street to start school. Merely, what I’m trying to say is there is flexibility and room for real-life mistakes and limitations to our parenting abilities (All while still meeting this needs of your child, meeting him/her where their at and validating their feelings).
What a relief!
So, how can you be a “good enough” parent? Here are five ways to make sure you aren’t trying to be perfect:
Give yourself permission to take a shortcut if you’re having a bad day. An extra episode of PAW Patrol, a few more minutes on the iPad or pizza delivery for dinner never kept a child from heading off to college.
Be good enough for YOU. Other parents will do things differently, try not to worry about that. Do what works for you and your family. And if you make a mistake and don’t like the way you responded, say, “I’m sorry” (it goes a long way).
Cut your children a break. They aren’t perfect either. Trying to hold them to that standard will do more damage than good. (This is a big one (maybe an idea for another blog post here). If we don’t expect our parenting to be perfect, we can’t expect our kids to be perfect either). We get to be good enough and so do they.
Ignore minor annoyances and misbehaviour in your children (keyword here is “minor”). Selectively looking the other way will give parents a break from the never-ending power struggle and give children space to learn to improve their own behaviour.
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK and do something just for you! Get a massage, have coffee with a friend, go for a hike, etc. Whatever makes your heart sing … DO IT!
And always remember, if you’re struggling, I’m here and would be happy to talk.
Until next time … I’ll leave you with one last parenting meme, cause sometimes we just gotta laugh.
Take care,
Nichole
